The Awkward Guide

In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself

The Awkward Guide To Moving Out

Life is generally quite full of doing peculiar things. Moving out is one of them – an occasion when we decide to put all of our stuff into boxes and move it somewhere else. Then take it all out of the boxes again and arrange it in much the same order it was in before, just in a slightly different geographical location. It’s a process which usually involves quite a lot of swearing, carrying heavy things up and down staircases, and wondering how on earth you’ve managed to accumulate five woks despite the fact that you’ve never actually used one.

Fortunately, The Awkward Guide is here to swoop elegantly to the rescue with a few observations and chunks of advice.

1. It is one of the undeniable, scientifically proven facts of this vast and unknowable universe that there will never be an equal number of Tupperware pots and lids in the cupboard. Accept this and move on. Countless hours and brilliant minds have been sadly lost in efforts to match bits of plastic to their appropriate partners; don’t let yours be one of them.

2. Attempts at efficiency can be severely derailed when you discover some old toys, get completely distracted, and spend the next 3 hours constructing a scale model of Hogwarts out of Lego. But to be honest, I’m sure we’d all agree that creating a foot-high version of the Herbology labs is a much more productive and sensible use of time than cleaning out the inside of the cutlery drawer, so go ahead, go wild.

3. You may notice a strange change come over you, in the manner of acquiring a super power but a bit more shit. You may become hyper-aware of all the little fiddly bits of the house/flat that you had previously happily ignored but now have to clean, like skirting boards and those bits above the doors. You may also develop an irrational and all-consuming hatred of all types of cornicing. Just roll with it, it’ll help you get your deposit back.

4. You are quite likely to develop a chronic case of “movers’ lung” from the high volumes of dust and potent bleach-based chemicals that you’ve been inhaling and getting slightly loopy on. But I’m sure that’s fine, it probably won’t affect you in later life or anything.

5. You may achieve spiritual enlightenment when realising just how much pointless tat you’ve managed to accumulate over the years and decide that the only true path to happiness would be to deliver it all to the charity shop and live in a tent in your parents’ back garden for the rest of your life. But be warned: it is generally ill-advised to act on such flashes of genius (probably induced by significant levels of Mr Muscle inhalation), especially if your parents live in an area with an average annual rainfall of over 800mm.

6. Do not be surprised when, by the time you’ve removed all of your stuff from it and scoured it from head to toe with chemicals that come with urgent health warnings and dire prophesies of what will happen if you get them in your eyes, your house/flat may start to look like a tremendously excellent place to live. Nicer than the new place. In fact, why are you even bothering to move out, just bring all the boxes back in from the hallway.

7. Finally, but importantly, only a fool forgets about de-frosting the freezer until an hour before they’re supposed to catch a train and consequently spends that hour frantically developing severe finger frostbite, trying not to let the kitchen flood, and wondering where on earth they packed the hair-dryer, which is absolutely, definitely not what I did.

Moving Out

The Awkward Guide accepts no responsibility for adverse reactions to the implementation of advice supplied herein. Side-effects can include: smug laughter, mild disdain, and temporary irritation.


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This entry was posted on 17/09/2013 by in Personal and tagged , , , , , , .

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