In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself
Feminists and Freudians can debate penis envy ’till the cows come home (presumably when the cows get home they would tell them to stop arguing and talk about something more helpful, like the weather) but the rest of us know that there is another bodily appendage that we women (and, let’s face it, quite a lot of men) actually covet.
We have a hankering for handlebars, cravings for a chevron, all we want is a walrus. Yes, deep down, what we’re really envious of is a fine piece of face foliage. Oh, what we wouldn’t give for a nice bit of topiary to titivate our top lip. But now, thanks to fancy dress shops, all we have to part with are a few pounds and our own inhibitions and we too can realise the joys of gently stroking our facial hair whilst lost in thought.
So The Awkward Guide has compiled some top tips to help you make the most of this rewarding experience.
1. Prepare yourself for the sideways glances, the double-takes and the open-mouthed staring. Don’t worry, they’re just jealous.
2. Beware the sticky adhesive used to attach the moustache to your face – it is the most infuriatingly itchy substance known to man. It is probably used by secret police during interrogations of a covert nature. Accept the fact that this is just a cross you will have to bear.
3. On the subject of adhesive, it would probably be wise to check that the moustache glue is not going to bring you out in a rash before you embark on a lengthy moustache-sporting endeavour.
4. Get used to the idea that, by the end of the experience, you will probably have accidentally eaten and/or inhaled quite a large proportion of your own moustache. The adhesive may be itchy but it is not particularly, well, adhesive.
5. Do not underestimate the insulating powers of a mere moustache. On entering a particularly warm environment your upper lip can become dangerously overheated.
6. Finally, and most importantly, seize every opportunity you are presented with to fondle your new-found silky locks. This is a pleasure unrivalled by any other.
The Awkward Guide accepts no responsibility for adverse reactions to the implementation of advice supplied herein. Side-effects can include: smug laughter, mild disdain, and temporary irritation.