In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself
Don’t get me wrong, I love swimming, and I enjoy being very good at being mediocre at it. But tonight’s session with the triathlon club has led me to ponder all the things that make swimming a very awkward sport, and to be honest, they are numerous. I have to admit, it wasn’t the whole session, just one exercise in particular that required us to leap elegantly out of the water at the end of every length (and when I say ‘leap elegantly’ I do of course mean ‘flop in a vaguely futile and helpless manner in the general direction of the poolside’). After doing this a few times I realised that I had never before felt more like something out of a David Attenborough documentary. Something blubbery and wounded and attempting to lollop forlornly away from the gaping jaws of a killer whale.
So, without any more ado, here are the top 3 most awkward things about swimming:
1. The attire – swimming costumes/speedos/flannel bathing suits, whatever your favoured item of swimwear, you can be guaranteed one thing. It is one of the least forgiving garments you will ever wear. Just pipped to the post of drawing maximum attention to all your wobbly bits by the mighty tri-suit. I’m not sure anything will surpass that one, it is the heavyweight champ of unflattering clothing.
But it’s not just the swimwear itself you need to worry about. Oh no, if only having ‘endurance’ stitched across your bum cheek (because apparently no-one in the Speedo design studio realised that that might not be the best place to put it) was the least of your worries. You also have the added bonus of the swim cap, because having hair would be a bit too normal for this whole shenanigan. So you don some silicon to improve things. It might make you more streamlined, and it might protect your hair a little bit from the chlorine, but it does also make you look like you’re auditioning to be an extra on The X-Files.
2. The water – I know, I know, it would be pretty tricky to go swimming without it, but I’m really just talking about swimming pools as opposed to the whole ‘lakes/canals/reservoirs/the sea if you enjoy currents’ scene. Even if we ignore the chlorine (because chlorine never did anyone any harm…), there are still some very troubling things about the water. Not least the knowledge that you’re swilling around in the same water that hundreds of other people (and all their bits and pieces) have also swilled around in. And, well, let’s just say if you see a small child hovering in the shallow end looking guilty, get out of there as fast as you can!
3. The after-effects – I just haven’t been able to figure out why, when emerging from the swimming pool with wild hair that seems to defy the laws of physics, goggle marks, and the remnants of a snot trail streaking across our faces, we are not immediately waylaid by hordes of suitors. It really is a mystery.
The Awkward Guide accepts no responsibility for adverse reactions to the implementation of advice supplied herein. Side-effects can include: smug laughter, mild disdain, and temporary irritation.