The Awkward Guide

In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself

The Awkward Guide To Romance

Well, seeing as my love life would greatly resemble Bridget Jones’ Diary if you took out Colin Firth and Hugh Grant, I’m probably not the right person to be giving dating tips. So I’m going to let two much better informed people give you advice on this one instead. The Awkward Guide, like most single people, is going to do Valentine’s Day romance vicariously through fiction.

1. Shakespeare

This seems like a suitable place to start, because until Twilight came along everybody was under the impression that Shakespeare was the most romantic thing ever. Now, I know we all like a man in a good ruff, but they were just as wrong then as they are now. If Shakespeare had written an Awkward Guide to Romance (and let’s be honest, he would have done if he’d been clever enough to have the idea) then it would probably have looked a bit like this:

“I highly recommend that you don’t fall in love. If you do you’re probably going to kick the bucket at some point in the next four hours, or five hours if your name is Hamlet and you’re particularly annoying.

Really really don’t fall in love if you are a) too young, b) too old, c) Roman, d) rich, e) poor, f) live in a castle g) live in a forest, copse, glen, or other form of heavily wooded area, h) have the wrong name, i) have a slight propensity to overreact when dumped, j) suspect that you may be a character in a tragedy because then you’re screwed and you might as well give up now, k) suspect that you may be a character in a comedy because they’re not really very funny and you’re probably just going to get assaulted or chased by a bear or something.

If you decide you absolutely must fall in love and there’s nothing I can say to persuade you otherwise then you’d do well to avoid the following: swords, knives, daggers, rather pointy paper scissors, letter openers, or really any sort of sharp object; poison, I don’t know why you always have it so readily at hand but for future reference it’s probably a good idea to keep it in a safe place with a child-proof lock, somewhere where you won’t accidentally mistake it for cough syrup; steep edges; wild animals; mischievous fairies who seem cool but actually just want to turn you into a donkey and watch you have sex with their wives.”

2. Jane Austen

Surely Jane Austen is romantic! I hear you cry, it’s got horse-drawn carriages, and Mr Darcy, and people go to balls all the time! But sadly you’d be wrong again. Although I do have to admit that bonnets and fans and men emerging from lakes are all quite exciting, dear old Jane seems to have had this to say about romance:

“Love is tremendous! If you’re rich, that is. And clever. Oh, and beautiful. If you’re poor, stupid and ugly then you might as well just give up and marry your weird cousin because no-one else is ever going to have you my dear.”

I remember I said I would marry this boy when I was about 3. Unfortunately I can't remember his name.

The Awkward Guide accepts no responsibility for adverse reactions to the implementation of advice supplied herein. Side-effects can include: smug laughter, mild disdain, and temporary irritation


One comment on “The Awkward Guide To Romance

  1. Badger of Woodford

    I am reliably informed, by one who knows, that the proposed marital arrangement was reciprocated and that the name of the gentleman was Alex Parr. Nice frock by the way.


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