The Awkward Guide to Paintballing
Really, the best piece of advice I could offer on this subject is “Don’t Go”. But, if paying a not inconsiderable amount of money to stand in a bog while people shoot at you should happen to one day seem like a very good idea, I have compiled a list of “Dos & Don’ts” to help you survive the experience without incurring too much awkwardness.
- Don’t accidentally go when the army have booked a training day at the same centre. Unless of course you enjoy hearing a squaddie in camouflage paint gleefully shout the words “you can be the hostage”.
- Don’t believe anyone who tells you that it doesn’t hurt. They’re lying. Or pretending to be macho, which is the same thing anyway, so yes, they’re lying. Misguided faith in this will lead to recklessness, pain, bruising, pain, possible bleeding, and pain.
- Don’t go if hearing the words “the next round is called Total Annihilation” fill you with a sense of impending doom.
- Don’t go if you have a paranoia about being followed, stalked, or in any way dislike the feeling of being hunted.
- Don’t think that people will stop shooting at you just because you’re standing in the “Dead Zone”.
- Don’t think that any of the plywood shelters actually offer any form of sanctuary.
- Do notice that the token body padding they give you does not protect your bum.
- Do expect to be shot in the bum.
- Do panic when you notice that the opposing team is made up of 30-year old Russians who are busy buying smoke grenades.
- Do leave wet, muddy, aching, and with the dawning realisation that if your country ever goes to war then frankly you’re f*cked.
The Awkward Guide accepts no responsibility for adverse reactions to the implementation of advice supplied herein. Side-effects can include: smug laughter, mild disdain, and temporary irritation.