In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself
Yes, exams are looming again. Dark and terrible black spots on our horizons. As has been happening repeatedly for the past four years we are faced with exams, the outcome of which may actually influence the course of the rest of our lives. So no pressure then, yeah. And just as we have been doing for the past four years we are embarking once again on the rather dismal process of hoping, praying, and maybe even revising a bit to ensure that we don’t fuck it up.
But you can forget about equations and chemical formulas, historically significant dates and Shakespearean quotes, geological phenomena and philosophical theories. Yep, forget all of that because what most students learn best of all during revision time is how many ways there are to deviously put off the unpleasant task of actually doing some work.
So I know that all of the students amongst you will be seasoned pros at procrastination, but for those of you who are not so experienced at this time-honoured and noble art, I have compiled a list of the 101 best ways to avoid doing whatever it is that you’re supposed to be doing.
1. Read a blog written by some erudite and generally rather wonderful person who has very helpfully compiled a list of the 101 best ways to avoid doing whatever it is that you’re supposed to be doing. (May I say “congratulations” to you all for acheiving this one).
2. Have a very long and important conversation with your flatmate/partner/pet rabbit about nothing in particular.
3. Borrow a 1961 Ferrari and head to Chicago with Cameron and Sloane. Take part in a token musical number. Pretend to be Abe Froeman, the Sausage King of Chicago. Fool the entire school into believing you have a fatal illness. Get home before your parents discover you’ve been missing.
4. Attempt to mouse-proof a Victorian tenement flat armed only with tin foil and masking tape.
5. Clean. That bookshelf is getting quite dusty what with all this revision you’ve not been doing.
6. Go and visit your Aunt Fanny and Uncle Quentin. Discover a treasure map concealed in a shipwreck. Camp on Kirrin Island and undertake a gold-seeking adventure down in a dungeon.
7. Look up YouTube videos of honey badgers. Seriously, they are actually quite interesting.
8. Discover a sincere and deep-rooted love of painting-by-numbers.
9. Find 50p on the pavement. Buy a chocolate bar from a kindly chocolatier. Eat it. Buy another one. Discover a Golden Ticket inside. Run home and tell your grandparents. Drag your poor ageing Grandpa Joe to visit a chocolate factory owned by a man who may or may not be a paedophile. Somehow pass all of the cunningly disguised tests which despatch the other fairly unpleasant children you’re with. Burst through the roof of the factory in a magic lift. Inherit the factory.
10. Cook. Everything in the fridge. Even that weird thing at the back which may at one time have been ham but is now sort of furry and a tiny bit liquid.
11. Drink inordinate volumes of tea. This is particularly effective as it has both an immediate and delayed time-wasting effect. First in making the tea, and then a little while later when you have to keep getting up to go to the loo.
12. Teach yourself to draw sketches using only your toes to hold the pencil. Discover that you are a foot-art prodigy. Create a masterpiece.
13. Buy milk. You can never have enough milk, especially with all the tea you’ve been drinking.
N.B. Contrary to popular belief, discovering a secret and magical land hidden in the back of your wardrobe is a very poor way to procrastinate as you may spend years roaming free about a mystical landscape only to return and discover that you haven’t actually wasted any time at all, thereby defeating the point of the entire exercise.
14. Take up jogging. Realise that you cannot join The Pushchair Jogging Group without having a pushchair, complete with child, in your possession. Consider stealing a pushchair ready furnished with child. Decide this is immoral. Consider finding your soul mate and creating a new life through the beautiful union of your two bodies. Decide this would take up slightly too much time. Give up jogging.
15. Watch obscure Welsh soaps on BBC iPlayer. In Welsh.
16. Fall down a rabbit hole. Find yourself in Wonderland. Feel generally quite confused about all the weird shit that is going down. Casually slay a Jabberwocky. Leave.
17. Listen to all of your dad’s old records backwards to see if they contain secret diabolical messages from Satan.
18. Build a scale model of Stone Henge out of Bourbon biscuits. (credit must go to Katie and Alice for that one).
19. Attempt to find out how many mini marshmallows it would take to soak up your entire mug of hot chocolate.
20. Read the Radio Times from cover to cover. Even the bit about the radio that no-one ever takes any notice of.
21. Listen to Gardener’s Question Time (even though you don’t have a garden) because you read about it in the Radio Times and have since become fascinated by the problem of Japanese Knotweed.
22. Decide to broaden your vocabulary by opening the dictionary to random pages and learning new words, like “jackanapes”, to try to get into your exam answers.
23. Try to write a blog about the 101 best ways to avoid doing whatever it is that you’re supposed to be doing but give up when you get to 23.
Ok, so that’s not 101. I lied.