The Awkward Guide

In every situation in life, there's always a way to make a tit of yourself

Home Alone

This weekend I was left home alone. No, my parents hadn’t gone on a Christmas holiday and left me behind, this was a sunny February Saturday and all my flatmates were either away or out working all day.

After exhausting the classic list of things to do when you’re alone in a house: dancing in my underwear to Bob Seger tunes, booby trapping the stairs in case of home-invaders, inviting over a prostitute in a coming-of-age journey of self-discovery. Actually, maybe that last one only works if you’re Tom Cruise…

Anyway, after all that fun, there comes the realisation that you are in fact a little bit lonely. But if, like me, you just can’t be bothered to change out of your pyjamas and venture out into the cold to seek company, you will have to devise ways of entertaining yourself through the long hours of solitude.

So I have compiled a list of things to bear in mind if you should ever find yourself abandoned and totally alone in your flat for the weekend.

1. Horror films are about ten times scarier if you watch them on your own. Tempting as it may be to get in a few creepy living-dead-related thrills while your chick-flick favouring flatmates are absent, it’s probably not a good idea. You may find yourself wrapping up in a duvet coccoon and sweating your way through a thoroughly overheated and rest-free night of staring at your doorknob, expecting it to creak.

2. Nothing is more distracting than complete silence. So much for utilising the peace and quiet to knuckle down to some work, nothing lets the mind wander quite like being in a cavernously empty building with only the sound of your own breathing to entertain your ear drums. Music is good but if it’s your own music then you probably know it too well and sing-alongs may ensue. Putting the radio on in the kitchen is quite a good solution, it’s easy to pay no attention to it (especially if Fearne Cotton is on), and it offers the friendly illusion of human contact.

3. Never forget that you put the radio on in the kitchen. If this slips your mind then you are in for a few heart-stopping moments when you hear disembodied voices drifting through from the other room. Take particular note of this one if you did not heed advice in point 1.

4. Headphones have now become surplus to requirements. Unless you happen to enjoy the snug feel of rubber against your earlobes (each to their own). Bob Seger can like that old time rock and roll as loud as he pleases and no-one will berate him for it. Except perhaps your neighbours, but they probably aren’t in either as it seems that everyone has more important things to be doing this weekend than you do.

5. Remember, just because there is no-one in the flat to witness your misdeeds, that doesn’t mean people outside can’t see you through the windows. While my clothing choices tend more towards teddy bear pyjamas than baring all, if solitude happens to unleash your inner naturist then make sure you close the curtains before wandering around in the bufty.

6. It doesn’t matter how long you take in the shower. Feel free to loofer away to your heart’s content (if that sounds like a euphemism to you then kindly extricate your mind from the gutter) without the fear of retribution from an increasingly irate queue of flatmates. Incidentally, you also don’t need to lock the bathroom door as there is no-one around to walk in on you. But you will probably still slide that bolt across, paranoia is a bitch.

7. Finally, and most importantly, never EVER forget when everyone is due back. Let’s face it, having your flatmate return home to find you wandering around in the altogether, having a very animated conversation with yourself, whilst cranking out the very worst of your musical guilty pleasures is not really a situation you ever want to find yourself in. So make sure you know when everything has to be ship-shape and appearing normal again, and if you have engaged in a spot of creative baking, make sure you clean the cake batter off the kitchen ceiling.

Hopefully these few pointers will help you have a truly fulfilling and fright-free home alone experience. If not, I suggest you ask Macaulay, he probably has a few more.

(Just discovered if you type Macaulay into Google, the third suggestion that comes up is “macaulay culkin dead” some people have been doing a bit too much wishful thinking…)


One comment on “Home Alone

  1. naturegirl1

    This made me laugh out loud!
    Quite a few years ago (back in the days when I didn’t shave my pubes) I got the house to myself, my youngest son was at scout camp for the weekend and my elder son was out with his then girlfriend on a cycle ride (and his cycle rides go on for hours!), so I decided that as it was a lovely day I would apply the Imac (now Veet) to my nether regions & wander round the house naked while it worked it’s magic. Bear in mind also that with Imac down there you are obliged to walk in a bandy manner! I was in the garden ( our house is not overlooked) pegging out some washing when I heard the voice of my son informing me that that he had a puncture and not repair kit. Before I had time to do ANYTHING he appeared at the kitchen door with Claire……God only knows what she must have thought, but he just stood there, mouth open, with a gurgling noise coming out of it. As for me, I just stammered some pathetic excuse while trying to hide my nudity with a wet tea towel. A cold wet tea towel…..
    Never again!


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